“I can’t take it anymore,” Goodell said. “The plight of hemorrhoids for those afflicted by them, of course. I personally don’t know anything about them, thank goodness. But I would love if somehow the NFL could help find a permanent cure. These salves just aren’t working. I need a cure fast. We need a cure fast.”
Goodell awkwardly adjusted the back of his pants several times during the press conference and even once briefly excused himself and went backstage, from where the sound of furious scratching was overheard.
“I refuse to believe that in this day and age, with all of the amazing technology and medical advancements that have been made, that we can’t find a way to permanently cure hemorrhoids,” said Goodell. “These things bleed, you know? Can you imagine how uncomfortable it is to lead an important business meeting, or speak at, say, a press conference, all while your anus is itchy and moist with blood? Your underwear stained a reddish brown? It’s terrible. It’s terrible for those people, I would imagine.”
NFL players will wear a red-brown patch on the back of their pants during the league’s games in November, and the league will donate money to organizations working to find a cure for hemorrhoids.
“Obviously a cure is the number one goal,” said Goodell. “But I would also like to see the stigma of chronic, bleeding hemorrhoids be done away with, too, so people could talk openly about them, about the pain and suffering they put their victims through, without shame. Without some sort of code to make it think you’re talking about other people.”
Goodell then ended the press conference and walked awkwardly off stage with his butt cheeks partially clenched in an attempt to scratch his hemorrhoids while moving.
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