Ugly, Bearded White Guy in Boston Suddenly Getting Laid A Lot

Steve McIntyre, a fairly ugly 29 year-old Boston resident who is about 20 pounds overweight and has a huge, unkempt beard, says he has been getting a ton of attention from women in town in recent weeks.

“I have a huge beard and I’m generally disgusting and I look unwashed, so I usually have zero luck with women,” said McIntyre. “But in the past few months, they’ve started thinking I’m on the Red Sox. I’ve been getting two and three women a night.”

McIntyre has taken to going out to bars in the city after home games end and waiting for women to come to him.

“I just dress like a I think a Red Sox player would dress – some ripped jeans and an Affliction t-shirt,” he said, “and then I just loudly say things like ‘what a game tonight’ and ‘looking forward to tomorrow’s game.’ Usually, within a few minutes of that, I’m going home with someone.”

McIntyre always insists he goes back to the girl’s place because “I live in an efficiency apartment above a laundromat. Taking girls there would probably blow my cover, no matter how bearded and smelly and disgusting I am.” 

While most often thought to be Mike Napoli, Dustin Pedroia or Jonny Gomes, McIntyre says one girl yelled out ‘Papi, Papi, do me Big Papi’ during their night together.

“Another girl thought I was Johnny Damon,” he said. “I almost feel bad for these girls because they’re so dumb and so desperate to have sex with someone on the Red Sox. Almost.”

With baseball season at a close, McIntyre worries his grotesque appearance and beard will soon make him less attractive to women.

“I’m only 5-10. Maybe some people will think I play for the Celtics,” he said.

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