The 9 People on Every MLB Playoff Team

newtrophyThe Ace

Watch out for, The Ace! He’s the team’s horse! No opponent can defeat him — and the other team has to face him two, maybe three times in the series! They’re doomed. DOOMED!

Ohmigod! He doesn’t have his best stuff today! They lost with The Ace on the mound! They’re doomed. DOOMED!

The Assumed Loss Starter

The top three starters can’t pitch every game. This guy will pitch Game 3 or 4. Look, it was unlikely they were going to win the series in a sweep anyway, right? This turd just needs to go out there and eat up some innings and not tax the bullpen for the rest of the series. If you have tickets to this game, sell them to a fan who doesn’t know better.

What? He’s pitching well? NO ONE IN BASEBALL HAS ROTATIONAL DEPTH LIKE THIS! They are unbeatable!

The Reliever Who is Going to Friggin’ Blow It!

What? No! Don’t put this guy in the game! He sucks! He blows every game he pitches in! Why put him in a playoff game??? Why?!

Whew. Dodged a bullet that time. Let’s hope that’s the last we see of him in the series.

The Guy Who Completely Sucked for Another Team and is Now Inexplicably Good

Oh, yeah? He hit .214 two years ago on another team? Whatever. He’s now batting .964 with runners in scoring position in the playoffs with this team. Guess that other team just didn’t have the winning atmosphere that this team does. Sucks to be them.

The Heart and Soul of the Team

What a scraptastic ball of heart, desire and grit. Just a tornado of passion and guts and know-how and moxie. A pulsating core of professionalism and never-say-die gristle and 110-percentness. Did you see how he scooped up that routine ground ball? That’s how a LEADER scoops up a routine ground ball. This team wouldn’t be anywhere without this walking pile of chewing tobacco and dirt and grass stains. That’s just a fact. It doesn’t matter that he’s hitting .241. His heart bats 1.000. No, his heart bats over 1.000.

The Deadline Acquisition

This guy is exactly what the team needed to become a true World Series contender. Unless he struggles in the playoffs, of course, then … what was the GM thinking??? This guy sucks and he ruined clubhouse chemistry, too!

The Guy Who is Somehow in the Starting Lineup for a Playoff Team

Wait. That guy starts for a playoff team? Him? How is he even on a major league roster? And they really expect to compete for a World Series? With that guy? Dear god.

The Guy with a Steroidy Past

Hey, everyone makes mistakes and that’s all in the past and, hey, he’s played pretty well this year without PEDs, right? Who says PEDs really even help in baseball?

Oh, he’s on the other team? BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cheater! You’re a disgrace to the game! We’d never let a cheater like you play for this organization! It says a lot about your character that you have to win with the likes of these people! BOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Genius/Idiot Manager

Wooooo! We won! Keeping the starter in/pulling the starter was the exact right move! And I love how he played his hunch/went exactly with statistical probabilities on his pinch hitter decision. Genius! This guy is one of the best in the game. Give him a contract extension!

Nooooo! We lost! Keeping the starter in/pulling the starter was a total moron move! And what kind of idiot plays a hunch/goes exactly with statistical probabilities on a pinch hitter decision? Jackass! Just think how good this team would be with even a half-decent manager. Fire him!

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See also … Celebrating the total failure of the 2013 Houston Astros: in Photos and Videos

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