Carlos Beltran – Thinks he’s the Fun Police. He felt the need to lecture Yasiel Puig on how and when to celebrate in the NLCS, even though he had no problem flexing his muscles in the dugout after a homer in the NLDS. Hypocrite.
Adam Wainwright – Serves as Co-Sheriff of the Fun Police with Beltran. He got all upset at Adrian Gonzalez in the NLCS because Gonzalez was happy about hitting a double. Wainwright called it “Mickey Mouse stuff.” You know what’s Mickey Mouse stuff? Having to rely on a curveball. Throw more heat like a MAN, you pussy.
John Axford – Axford used to grow experimental facial hair. He probably thought that made him interesting and unique and funny. No, just lame. News flash: every adult male who has hit puberty can grow facial hair, idiot. You’re not special.
Matt Adams – Lose some weight, fat-ass. You’re supposed to be a professional athlete, not a wheezing blob of flesh. You’re a Cardinals players, not a Cardinals fan.
Adron Chambers – Made up name.
Michael Wacha – Stupid name.
Tony Cruz – Stupid face.
Daniel Descalso – Looks like a rat.
Matt Carpenter – Looks like a rat.
Pete Kozma – Looks like a rat.
Shane Robinson – Looks like a rat.
Kevin Siegrist – Looks like a rat.
Joe Kelly – Nice glasses, dork.
Allen Craig – Two first names.
Jon Jay – John Jay was one of America’s Founding Fathers. Jon Jay is a mediocre outfielder with no power. Way to crap all over our forefathers.
Matt Holliday – Clearly a moron. Has the face of someone who wouldn’t have made it through high school if not for his teachers pushing him through to stay eligible for sports.
Randy Choate – His name is basically Randy Chode. Probably some kind of sexually deviant pervert.
Trevor Rosenthal – His name is Trevor. Has to be a massive douche.
Lance Lynn – Went to Ole Miss. Let’s put him down for racist homophobe.
Edward Mujica – Has a body that even pigman Matt Adams can laugh at.
David Freese – Below-average turd coasting off a good postseason he had years ago.
Seth Maness – He’s a professional athlete with fewer than 10,000 Twitter followers. NO ONE LIKES YOU.
Carlos Martinez – Selfie-loving douchebag.
Kolten Wong – Wong was originally drafted by the Twins, but chose not to sign with them. He did, however, accept getting drafted by the Cardinals. Definitely a front-running a-hole.
Shelby Miller – He’s from Texas. He’s probably shot people.
Yadier Molina – Actually a pretty good player and is supposedly fairly active in the community. Stupid neck tattoos, though.