With just hours before their playoff opener, with the eyes of the nation’s baseball fans set to converge on O.co Coliseum, the Oakland A’s are working non-stop to get the shit smell out of their stadium.
“It’s bad enough for the regular season, but the playoffs are a pretty big event and it’s embarrassing to have our whole stadium smelling like fresh-cut dump,” said general manager Billy Beane. “Hopefully we can cover up the smell by the first pitch.”
The decrepit stadium has long been in decline, but plumbing issues have cropped up again, strengthening the venue’s odor of human waste. Beane went to team ownership this morning and got them to loosen the purse strings so he could purchase 15 scented candles at local CVS. Using his own money, Beane also picked up several bottles of Febreze, a few scented sneaker balls, and a hanging dashboard air freshener he has hung from the edge of the first deck behind home plate.
“So far I don’t notice a change. There’s still a pretty strong shit smell,” said Beane, sniffing into the air and then covering his nose. “Maybe it will take a few hours to kick in. I think those air fresheners are activated by the air.”
Instead of getting treatment or brushing up on scouting reports, A’s players were tasked with heading out onto the field to spray Febreze into the air.
“It was getting a little bit better, I think,” said outfielder Coco Crisp. “But then Bartolo [Colon] ripped one and I think now it’s worse than it was when we started. I feel like I have raw sewage in my nose.”
- – - – -