6. He doesn’t do media feuds
What’s the point of being in the media if you’re not going to put some of your fellow colleagues on BLAST now and then? Media feuds get people talking. Or, at least they get the media talking about themselves. Either way, you rip someone in the media and people are going to talk about you. Plus, you show how much of a badass you are by being willing to write something negative about someone else. But Vin Scully simply isn’t man enough to call out anyone in the media.
7. He relies on context and storytelling like a crutch
Oh, yeah, Red Barber once said blah blah blah? Who gives a crap! No one cares who Red Barber is. Or Sandy Koufax. Or Steve Garvey. And we don’t care how something happening now is similar to something that happened in 1957 or whatever the hell. The year 1957 is irrelevant. Yesterday is irrelevant. Tell us that what’s happening RIGHT NOW is either the BEST EVER or WORST EVER. Tell us who SUCKS. Tell us who should be FIRED. You know, do your friggin’ job.
8. He doesn’t have a single memorable hot take
Go ahead. Tell me Vin Scully’s hottest take ever. The guy has been around for decades right? Shouldn’t he have one hot take in all those years? But there’s not a one. Legit sports broadcasters, good sports broadcasters, move the needle. They move the needle with the heat of their takes. The only needle Vin Scully ever moves is probably the one on his old-timey record player in his parlor.
9. He’s old
Vin Scully is old. You want to appeal to the 18-to-34 demo — the only demo that matters — and you’re wheeling out an 85 year-old man? Yeah, good luck with that. The only people that want to listen to Vin Scully enjoy caramels and go to bed at 8 o’clock. He’s got no buzz with the market baseball needs to go after.
10. No one says a bad word about him
All you hear is “Vin Scully is great!” “Vin Scully is the best!” “Vin Scully is a national treasure!” What a load of crap. Everyone knows that people who have haters must be doing something right. If people hate you, they’re jealous. People write stuff like that on Twitter every day. But, of course, Vin Scully doesn’t know that because Vin Scully isn’t on Twitter. Because he sucks.