The 7 Kinds of College Football Programs

The 10 Kinds of College Football Programs – Image 1

1. The Football Powerhouse Program

This school’s entire reason for existence is college football. Students apply there simply because they have a good football team, the deans and professors do nothing to stand in the way of players staying eligible and the coaches make sure the players keep their focus on the field, not in the classroom. While the NCAA hammered Penn State University for its “football culture,” these schools see that term as a goal and a compliment.

Things you’ll hear their fans say:

“Oh, come on. Everyone skirts the NCAA rules. That’s just how it works. You’d be stupid not to.”

“S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!”

2. The Reflected Conference Glory Program

This football program is mediocre at best and a laughing stock at worst, but they like to pretend they are an elite program because they happen to be in a good conference. When their conference mates win bowl games, it’s like they also won a bowl game sitting at home at 3-8.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“Just think how good we’d be if we were in a cake conference and didn’t have to play such a brutal schedule.”

“S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!”

3. The Ancient History Power Program

This second-rate program won a championship decades ago, before any of its current players were even born, yet still believes it is seen as a national power and legit title contender. The stadium video board and game program are full of grainy images of glory that the fans like to pretend were taken yesterday.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“I heard we’re about to sign [name of program legend]’s grandson. He’ll probably be awesome.”

“All the idiots who say we suck have absolutely no knowledge of the history of college football.”

4. The Basketball School Program

This is a self-proclaimed “basketball school,” which means three things: 1) they have a consistently successful basketball team; 2) they blow at the most popular and profitable college sport; 3) they like to pretend that it is somehow impossible for a school to be good at two sports.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“Ah, who cares. We’ll kick their ass in basketball.”

“Our tight end is 6-6, 240. Why is he playing stupid football?”

5. The Academic Program

This school’s football team is horrible. Truly awful. But the school’s alums attempt to wear it as a badge of honor, as though they attended a college that placed learning above a brutal blood sport. As though people with average IQs and above can’t be good at sports. As though their greatest fantasy isn’t a 6-win season and a spot in the Safe Auto Insurance Bowl. As though they’re not consumed by jealousy of the football power schools.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“We can’t compete with the football powers because we actually recruit people who can read and write.”

“Oh, please. Stanford? That’s the exception that proves the rule.”

6. The “We Do It The Right Way” Program

This is a mix of The Academic Program and The Ancient History Power Program. They have some football success but never threaten for a national title. They graduate a respectable amount of players — most of whom have never committed violent crimes. Their fans spend all of their time reminding everyone of these facts. When they’re on their game, fans of these teams can be the most smug of all.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“Yeah, but if you mix winning percentage with graduation rate, we’re way better than you.”

“Obviously you didn’t see the Academic All-American team.”

7. The Consistent Underachiever Program

There is no reason this shouldn’t be a good football program. They’re a big state school with a huge athletic budget, first-class facilities and thousands of fans, alums and boosters nationwide who are more than willing to place college kids playing football way out of perspective. Yet they don’t win. Ever. Sure, there are some 8-4 seasons here and there, even a magical 9-3 campaign a few years back, and a nearly annual birth in the Crap.com Bowl, but year after year they disappoint and depress.

Things You’ll Hear Their Fans Say:

“We have a great recruiting class coming in. Next year is going to be special.”

“Ah, jeez. Here we go again. I can’t watch this.”

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Also see … Flowchart: Is Your Favorite College Football Program Dirty? 

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