According to highly placed sources within both the New York Jets and Buffalo Bills organizations, the two moribund NFL franchises are in serious discussions about a murder-suicide pact that would spare both teams from having to suffer through another hopeless NFL season.
“I believe that this is the only course of action,” said a Jets coach. “At least the only merciful course of action. It saves us all from the embarrassment of having to play another season and allows our fans to go on with their lives without having us around to depress them. It should have been done a long time ago.”
Both teams face a season that is even more hopeless than usual, with the Bills slated in Week 1 to start Jeff Tuel, an undrafted rookie who was barely functional at Washington State, while the Jets must pick a starter from the disappointment buffet that is Mark Sanchez, Geno Smith, Matt Simms and Brady Quinn. And quarterback is just one position with horrific options on each team.
“Jeff Tuel. Jeff Tuel,” said a member of the Bills front office. “Just shoot me in the face now. I don’t care if we don’t agree to the murder-suicide thing. Just kill me, at least. I want to die. Now.”
The teams’ murder-suicide pact negotiations are reportedly down to which team conducts the murder — firing the first shots that drop their longtime AFC East “rival” — and which is then bound to end their lives via suicide.
“The concerns are obvious,” said a Jets staffer. “One, we’re the Jets and Bills, so it’s likely this could go horribly wrong. Missed initial murder shots. Or guys who try to kill themselves and screw it up and are then just walking around with half-faces. The list goes on and on. And also, what happens when the murders happen and the team still briefly standing realizes that if they keep living, they’ll have third place in the AFC East wrapped up for forever. No fourth place finishes ever again. How do we make sure they still pull the trigger on themselves?”
Those hangups aside, the pact is expected to be finalized before Sunday’s season-opening games.
“All of us — from the front office to the players to the water boys on each team — just want to end it all as soon as possible,” said a source.
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