Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning threw seven touchdowns in Denver’s season opening win Thursday night, setting an NFL record for most touchdown passes in a single game by someone who inexplicably has fewer Super Bowl titles than his own idiot brother.
“What a performance by Peyton,” said Broncos head coach John Fox. “But the whole time I couldn’t help but thinking: ‘How does this guy have only one Super Bowl ring while his dolt little brother Eli has two?’ It’s inexplicable. At least he got the record, though.”
Manning’s seven touchdown passes eclipsed the record of six touchdown passes thrown by someone who somehow has fewer Super Bowls than his own brother, which he also holds. The eldest Manning also has the record for career and single-game passing yards, career touchdowns, career and single-game completions and career regular season wins by someone who somehow has fewer Super Bowl titles than his own brother.
“He’s really filling up the record books,” said receiver Wes Welker. “It’s kind of a double-edged sword, though. Because for everything he accomplishes, it makes you think even more how baffling it is that he has just one Super Bowl title – and that it came against Rex Grossman – while that moron Eli has two. Plus, Peyton isn’t young. He could very easily end his career with just that one ring, one less than dimwit Eli.”
Manning said that individual records are nice, but that he is focused more on team goals.
“I’ve been fortunate enough to set a lot of record in my career,” he said. “But I want another Super Bowl ring. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have fewer Super Bowl rings than your little brother, especially when your little brother is Eli Manning? It’s crushing.”
Worst of all, his little brother probably didn’t even see his Thursday night football performance “because Eli goes to be at 8:30. Really. I just … it’s so humiliating.”