NFL Hoping to Move Past Offseason Issues with New “Hey, Let’s Just Play Football and Forget About All That Other Stuff” Initiative

Goodell outsidethebeltwayThe NFL is looking to move past the many crimes, lawsuits and other incidents that marked the offseason with a new initiative title “Hey, Let’s Just Play Football and Forget About All That Other Stuff.” The program will launch fully with Week 1 of the NFL regular season.

“We have come to realize that much of what comes with the NFL — violent player crimes, concerns over the brutality of the game and what it has done to those who have played it, the unchecked greed of the league office, a team with a racially insensitive name, the list goes on — can be troubling to many fans if they have time to think about it,” said commissioner Goodell. “But how can we free their minds from having to think about it? With FOOTBALL, YEAH!”

Pyrotechnics shot off behind Goodell with those words and a scream of scantily clad cheerleaders took the stage and began gyrating wildly as the assembled press corps went crazy.

“Wooooo! Football! We love you Roger!” screamed football writer Peter King from the front row. King then removed his shirt and began swinging it around and around above his head.

The Hey, Let’s Just Play Football and Forget About All That Other Stuff initiative opens with 16 games in Week 1, including a Thursday night opener in primetime that features a pregame concert.

“Music, bright lights, shiny things,” said Goodell. “We’re bring out all the stops.”

But the Hey, Let’s Just Play and Forget About All That Other Stuff initiative doesn’t seek to lessen the mental burden on fans just on game days. It is designed so fans can be absorbed by the more positive aspects of the NFL day in and day out.

“Fantasy football, the daily drumbeat of the NFL news cycle by our corporate partners in the media, debate over the eliteness of players, Tim Tebow’s job status, games every Monday and Thursday, settlements of lawsuits, meek, PR-driven youth football safety programs … all of it is designed so that barring Tom Brady becoming a serial killer, no negative NFL story could possibly eclipse what we produce for our fans,” said Goodell. “We take great care in so consuming every day from September through February that nothing anti-NFL could seep into our fans’ skulls.”

The commissioner said he hopes the public will appreciate the Hey, Let’s Just Play Football and Forget About All That Other Stuff program.

“The NFL takes its role very seriously in being a distraction for the average American from the day-to-day troubles of life via violence and bright colors and noise,” said the commissioner. “The last thing we want to do is take that away from them. And we especially don’t want our own very serious issues to ruin the public’s favorite means of escape. So, again … FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL!” he added, while smiling Washington quarterback Robert Griffin III ran onto the stage and hurled passes to Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke as a military band played and bald eagles were set loose to fly around the room.

Goodell also announced plans to push for a 52-week NFL season.

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Also see: The 25 Smallest Storylines Entering the 2013 NFL Season

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(photo via)