Arizona Cardinals: Forgotten desert people who paid attention to football briefly during that one magical 9-7 season with Kurt Warner.
Atlanta Falcons: Apathetic non-fans who are merely willing to quietly watch any football-like substance the day after Georgia plays.
Baltimore Ravens: Football ignoramuses who blame every loss on the refs, see no irony in whining about having their team stolen only to then steal another team, and idolize a guy who covered up a double murder.
Buffalo Bills: Depressed Eskimos.
Carolina Panthers: No perception because no one has ever met a Carolina Panthers fan.
Chicago Bears: Exactly like everyone on the Da Bears sketch, but dumber and fatter.
Cincinnati Bengals: Horribly dressed people whose fondest memory of their favorite team is probably that one time when they weren’t robbed by a Bengals player at gunpoint.
Cleveland Browns: It’s too depressing to even think what these people are like.
Dallas Cowboys: Loathsome beings who love the Cowboys, Lakers and Yankees, and hate self-awareness.
Denver Broncos: Bull calf testicle-eating ski people who will worship any quarterback who can deliver a 9-win or better season.
Detroit Lions: Hoboes who use Ford Field as a shelter.
Green Bay Packers: Residents of a remote, forgotten village who sadly have nothing more in their lives than football and cheese.
Houston Texans: Oilers fans who stopped existing for a while and then had to update their wardrobes.
Indianapolis Colts: White, flyover country fatties whose entire self-worth is contingent on the careers of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Twelve people who might get a little upset when the team goes to Los Angeles.
Kansas City Chiefs: Lard asses who are content to watch an awful team year after year as long as there is good barbecue at pregame tailgates.