What Your Favorite NFL Team Says About You

nfl-logoArizona: You are either horribly depressed or you actually believe Carson Palmer is your savior, meaning you will soon become horribly depressed.

Atlanta: You find you always get depressed after the holidays.

Baltimore: You will argue with any “haters” that Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback. Unless he throws a bad pick or stands there like an idiot and fumbles and then he totally sucks, just like you said all along.

Buffalo: You wish that Niagara Falls wasn’t so close by and tempting for ending-it-all purposes.

Carolina: You’re glad that the people who designed the Panthers colors and uniforms understood that one day the ’90s would come back in style.

Chicago: You think this could be Jay Cutler’s last last last last last last chance to put it all together and, if he doesn’t, well … he’s still probably the best quarterback you’ve had in decades. Sigh.

Cincinnati: If God finds it in His mercy to allow just one ginger into heaven, you hopes it’s Andy Dalton.

Cleveland: At least Brandon Weeden looked a little bit better this preseason, you think, staring blankly into the bottom of your empty glass of whiskey.

Dallas: You don’t understand how many years you have to root for this shitty team before other fans stop accusing you of being a frontrunner.

Denver: Your fantasy is a three-way with John Elway and Peyton Manning while you get naturally auto-erotically asphyxiated by the thin Mile High air.

Detroit: While your team still kind of blows, you’re glad that several of them are solid fantasy football players. You’ve had it worse.

Green Bay: You clearly remember how following the 2010 season, Aaron Rodgers and the Packers were going to win every Super Bowl as far as the eye can see and you wish, you know, they would get started on that already.

Houston: Following on the heels of Eli Manning and Joe Flacco, you hope that it’s Matt Schaub’s turn to be a decent-to-occasionally-completely-shitty quarterback with a stupid face and no personality to win a Super Bowl.

Indianapolis: It was enjoying for you to watch Peyton Manning blow a playoff game and not have the urge to kick your pig.

Jacksonville: You’re just excited when people remember to include your team in lists like this of NFL teams.

Kansas City: You can’t believe the Eagles would just hand you a coach who can deliver you countless 8-8, 9-7 and 10-6 seasons. Glory days are here!

Miami: You’re sick of getting criticized for not attending games. If you have to be out in the sun all day in Miami, there are better ways to do it than spending 100 bucks to watch a football team lose 27-16.

Minnesota: You think football would be way better if it went back to how it was before the forward pass was invented.

New England: The tragedy of Aaron Hernandez’s alleged murder(s) really hit home for you when you decided to drop him from your fantasy keeper team.

New York Giants: You appreciate the fact that even when the Giants have a down season, the Jets still make football season enjoyable.

New York Jets: You realize that the Jets were much better when Rex Ryan was fat, and this fact is now your primary justification for staying fat.

New Orleans: You are still disappointed in Sean Payton for his role in that bounty scandal. Ha. No. You hope he helps set up another one of those things. It’s the only time you’ve had a semi-functional defense.

Oakland: You can’t read this because you don’t get out on parole for a few more days.

Philadelphia: You wish people would stop talking about Eagles fans booing Santa. That was 45 years ago. Get over it. There have been plenty of people Eagles fans have physically assaulted since then.

Pittsburgh: You would have been happy had the Steelers re-signed Mike Wallace and James Harrison, but now that they’re on other teams you can’t tell enough people how worthless they had become.

San Diego: You can’t believe Norv Turner got another job in the NFL. You can believe it was the Browns who gave it to him.

San Francisco: You just hope Roger Goodell doesn’t suspend Jim Harbaugh for the playoffs when Harbaugh beats a referee to death on the sidelines with a clipboard.

Seattle: You want everyone to know that it doesn’t rain in Seattle nearly as much as that show “The Killing” suggests. Okay, now that that’s off your chest: you think Russell Wilson is the greatest athlete ever and anyone who doesn’t agree is obviously deluded by their East Coast bias.

St. Louis: You kind of wish you could escape the Rams like Steven Jackson finally did.

Tampa Bay: You think the Football Rays or whatever might be pretty good again this year. Were they good last year? They won the Super Bowl once, though, right? Neat.

Tennessee: You think Butch Jones will be a big improvement over Derek Dooley. Oh, the NFL team? Eh. Who cares. They’re okay, you guess.

Washington: You think the “Trail of Tears” honored Native Americans by giving them a long parade.