Famous Children’s Fairy Tales Are Really About Sports

SnowWhite1j

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

A beautiful princess (Tom Brady) lives with her evil mother (Bill Belichick). Snow White hangs out with a bunch of tiny white people (his wide receivers).

Cinderella

Even those with great natural abilities need a little magic (PEDs) to stand out and really achieve their potential. Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother represents a steroids dealer. The glass slipper is a multimillion dollar Nike shoe contract.

Beauty and the Beast

Unattractive franchises are not necessarily forever doomed. If they are really, really really nice (offer a huge contract) they can woo a highly-coveted free agent and life happily ever after (have a winning season).

Rumplestiltskin

Nothing more than a tale of NFL teams cutting veteran players under contract: Even if someone played a major role in your success, you can screw them out of a deal when you no longer need them by utilizing a loophole. In the end, Rumplestiltskin’s body is left broken and he has none of the gold.

Robin Hood

The famed tale of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor touches on the themes of the luxury tax, salary caps, revenue sharing and losing teams getting better draft position.

Hansel and Gretel

Adults leave kids to die in the woods. Another adult attempts to eat the children’s flesh. The story is a clear metaphor for the NCAA’s treatment of its athletes.

The Frog Prince

Ugly, disgusting, slimy athletes get hot women, too.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

If a sports media person just yells nonsense all the time, eventually no one will listen even if he has a truly strong sports take to share.

- – - – -

Also see … The 16 Biggest Reasons Kids Suck at Sports

Advertisement