Chip Kelly’s Eagles Offense Probably Sets NFL Record by Scoring 33 Points in a Single Game

chip kelly sbnationThe NFL has entered a new age of wild, up-tempo, unstoppable offenses and it’s all thanks to Chip Kelly. The former Oregon head coach’s Philadelphia Eagles probably obliterated every NFL single-game record for offense in Week 1 on Monday Night Football, piling up 33 points in a six-point win over Washington.

“We haven’t determined yet if it was a single-game scoring record, per se,” said a spokesman for the Elias Sports Bureau. “But it sure felt like an NFL record. Right? Did it feel like that to anyone else? There was like a 20 to 25-minute stretch there were Washington didn’t have much of an answer. So single-game scoring record? Sure. Yes. Definitely. Elias says so. You can print that.”

With the NFL single-game scoring record in hand, one can only marvel at where the Philadelphia offense can go from here.

“I’m glad we only play them one more time this year,” said Ryan Kerrigan, a defensive end on the Washington defense that was ranked 28th in the NFL last season. “The way they took mercy on us in the second half by scoring only 7 points, and none in the final 28 minutes of the game, punting the ball again and again … well, it was humiliating.”

While Elias verified the 33-point performance as an NFL single-game scoring record, a cursory glance at the NFL scoreboard shows that four other NFL teams, or 13% of the rest of the NFL, scored more than 33 points this week alone. But that’s not what matters, said the Elias spokesman when presented with that information.

“Did those teams outscore Chip Kelly’s Eagles using a revolutionary Chip Kelly offense?” he said. “No. They didn’t. It’s ridiculous to try to even understand his offense in the context of other teams and how they ‘quote, unquote’ ‘outperformed’ it. A Chip Kelly offense is evolved beyond our human understanding of offense. It’s just better than all the others. That’s a fact.”

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Also see: Chip Kelly Gives Eagles Day Off from Practice to Beat the Hell Out of Riley Cooper

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