SportsPickle has come into possession of various tapes in which Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini spoke about noted Nebraska icons, apparently thinking no one was recording his rants. WARNING: Pelini uses strong language.
Your logo is an N? Just a fucking N? Really? How creative. A red N. Oh, I get it. Because the name of this shithole of a state starts with the letter N. Great idea, fuckfaces. N for Nebraska. Wow. Amazing. I guess a big, red N is what goes for design and style in a corn-covered hellscape of nothingness. Your art museum, if this state even has one, is probably just a barn with a picture inside of a farmer named Art.
Look at your fucking governor. Tom Heineman. That’s really his name. Heineman. He has HINEY in his name. Like ASS. Your governor is an ASS. Tom ASSMAN. Yeah, laugh it up, Assman. Derp. Derp. Derp. I have a stupid fucking grin because I’m the governor of Nebraska. Don’t mess with me! I’m Assman, governor of the state that is 37th in population in America. I have even more power than the governor of Wyoming! I’m fucking ASSMAN. Behold my complete irrelevance! Fuck this guy. My special teams coach has more power in this state than this asshole.
Corn. FUCK. THIS. SHIT. You inbred idiots think being “corn-fed” is some kind of fucking compliment. No. It means you’re a fucking fatass. Oh, and thanks for giving America high-fructose corn syrup, farm-fucks. The corn you’re so proud of is sending millions of Americans to an early grave. You’re like a state full of overalls-wearing serial killers. Also, ethanol gas SUCKS. It’s worse for the environment that regular gasoline, dumbasses. You’re the kind of white “heartland” racists who bitch about people on welfare, while you keep taking in all the government farm subsidies you can get, you fucking moochers. Shove a piece of corn up your asses.
You think my teams have been a disappointment since I’ve gotten here? Well, how about your fucking basketball team, assholes? At least the rest of these worthless, flyover, plains states like Kansas and Indiana can put a decent basketball team on the court. You’re all going to bitch at me? Have your basketball team make the fucking NIT Tournament once a decade and then maybe we can talk about how I’m maybe not going to BCS bowls. Fuckers.
A white-tailed deer. Your state mammal is a white-tailed deer. Like no other state has white-tailed deers. Jesus. Every time I think this state can’t get more lame and boring, I find out new boring shit like this. A white-tailed deer. Come to Nebraska and see something that is in every other fucking state! Although I can’t say I’m not a little surprised. I would have bet money that the state mammal of Nebraska was a fucking mouth-breathing dumbass.
What the fuck? Too easy.
This guy is your biggest contribution to modern culture. Larry the Cable Guy. Born in Pawnee City, Nebraska. “Educated” at the “University” of Nebraska. His whole shtick is to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Fart jokes. Talking like a moron. Jokes about foreigners. Just generally being fucking fat and stupid. Where do you think he got the idea that there was a market out there who could identify with being disgusting and fat and stupid and worthless? In Nebraska. Every day when he went outside and just fucking looked around. “Oh, look,” he thought. “These stupid dumbasses will laugh at terrible jokes and buy shit with a catchphrase on it.” Larry the Cable Guy: the high-fructose corn syrup of comedy.
The Western Meadowlark is a pretty nice state bird. Nice fucking plumage. I’ll give you that.
– – – – –