Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks SUCK

11. LeSean McCoy – When you look at LeSean McCoy’s four-year NFL career, the 2011 season when he had 1,309 rushing yards and 17 rushing TDs kind of stands out as an aberration, considering he averaged 852 yards and 3 TDs the other three years. But, hey, I don’t mean to judge you if you have some sort of special “aberration-based” fantasy football drafting system going. You do your own thing, guy. Be proud.

12. Aaron Rodgers – Wow. You must think Aaron Rodgers is really good. Like, really really really really good. Supernaturally good. So good that he’ll eclipse all other quarterbacks this year despite throwing to a corps of No. 3 receivers and a tight end who can’t catch. Because if he can somehow do that, that would be really good. Completely impossible. But good. It’s fun to dream, no?

13. A.J. Green – Confident taking a guy whose production is based entirely on the success of Andy Dalton, are ya? Well, good for you. You probably also believe that gingers have souls, but that’s not a leap most people of sound mind are willing to take.

14. Drew Brees – If passing yards and touchdowns were the only stats that counted for quarterback in fantasy football, Drew Brees would be a no-brainer pick. Unfortunately, turnovers are negative points and Brees has developed the ability to lose the ball even more than he loses hair: 24 turnovers last year and 31 two years before that. But don’t worry, all of his turnovers are likely just a blip. There’s just no record of “gunslinging” quarterbacks getting increasingly unproductive and reckless as they age.

15. Steven Jackson – Remember how everyone used to say that Steven Jackson would be so good if only he had a real team around him? Well, now he does have a real team around him on the Falcons. Only remember that we started saying that about Jackson almost 10 years ago. He’s ancient for an NFL running back now. Why did you wake him for a stupid fantasy draft, jerk? Let the old guy nap in peace.

16. Dez Bryant – Oh, yeah. This is the year he puts it all together and becomes unstoppable. Not last year. Not the year before that. Not the year before that. This year. Yes. Him and the Cowboys. Nothing but success. Totally. Yes.

17. Matt Forte – Well, it’s not a sexy pick. It’s not even a particularly good pick. Forte doesn’t score a lot of touchdowns and only barely cracks the 1,000-yard rushing mark (when he even does). But it’s a pick. And that’s what you have to do at a fantasy draft: make picks. And you did that here. You picked a person in the NFL. Nice work.

18. Stevan Ridley – Hey, it’s not so bad. Now next year you can commiserate with the other guys in your league who also were once dumb enough to use an early pick on a Patriots running back. Small talk is important to building more meaningful friendships.

19. Peyton Manning  – Ol’ Frankeneck surprised many by making it through last season un-decapitated and that’s sure to happen again, what with his rigorous offseason workout regimen of commercial shoots and slouching. And Manning is 37 now, so it’s probably just onwards and upwards for him. No reason to be concerned about having him as your starting quarterback.

20. Brandon Marshall – Oh, jeez. You know what? If you hate yourself this much, just pick Jay Cutler. In fact, no … quit. Just quit fantasy football. Forever. You’re an embarrassment.