Facing mounting pressure from lawsuits alleging the NFL hid the risks and effects of concussions for years, the league today took the bold step of denying that NFL players even have heads. Also, in a clear attempt to stave off rumored litigation about knee injuries, the league denied its players possess knees.
“The research is very clear on this,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “And this is independent research we had conducted. Let me explain it to you: a review of the average NFL player’s body finds that more than 80-percent of it is not head or knee. So, as anyone with a basic understanding of statistics can tell you, 80-percent is more than a reasonable sample size. Therefore: it can be concluded that if 80-percent of an NFL players body is not head or knee, then the entire body of an NFL player doesn’t have a head or knee. So, clearly, these lawsuits are absurd on their face.”
But in a “good faith attempt” to “make our game even safer,” Goodell said the NFL will take necessary precautions to protect the head and knees “which don’t even exist.”
The commissioner says the league will continue to require its players to rest a helmet “on top of their necks” and will look into ways hits can be reduced to the knees (or “lower portion hinging area”).
Goodell then opened the press conference to questions, but he then spotted a huge bear behind the assembled press corps. The bear disappeared by the time everyone turned around to see it, upon which the commissioner rolled backwards off the stage, ran out a side door and jumped into a waiting car.