Mets general manager Sandy Alderson announced today, in the wake of the news that phenom starter Matt Harvey will likely need to undergo Tommy John surgery, that the team is just going to go ahead and mercifully end the seasons of all of its players via invasive procedures.
“I mean, why not?” said a disheveled Alderson, who looked like he had been up most of the night crying and drinking. “Why keep going on? Why keep trying? We’re screwed. We’re the Mets. Let’s just end it for all of them.”
While Alderson’s decision sounds extreme, he has actually received support from Dr. David Altchek, the Mets’ team doctor.
“I wouldn’t normally propose giving everyone season-ending surgery, but this is the Mets,” said Dr. Altchek. “Chances are everyone on the team has at least some sort of undiagnosed injury or minor tear that will soon force him to undergo legitimate season-ending surgery anyway. At least our better players. May as well get it out of the way now, right? God knows we have no shot to be any good until Harvey gets back anyway. Let’s rehab them all at once.”
Dr. Altchek also added: “F–k it all anyway, right? We’re the Mets. What does it really matter? That is my medical opinion.”
Unfortunately for the Mets, it seems even their plan to force all of their players to undergo season-ending surgeries may backfire, per the Mets’ luck. Since being swindled out of millions by Bernie Madoff, the team has not been able to afford medical insurance, meaning Harvey will have to pay more than $70,000 out of his own pocket if he wishes to undergo surgery and complete rehab.
“Just … whatever,” said Alderson. “We’ll trade him then to a team that can get him surgery and then he’ll pitch for them and be awesome and be the greatest pitcher ever for a team that isn’t the Mets. Because that’s exactly how it would go. I don’t care. All I know is that someone is getting cut open,” he added, digging into his arm with a razor blade.