Detroit Tigers shortstop Jhonny Peralta responded to his 50-game suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs today, saying what disappoint him most is letting down all the young fans who look up to him.
“I always wanted to be a role model in my career,” said Peralta. “I really did. But then a few years ago I realized, wait: ‘I’m Jhonny Peralta. Fat Major League shortstop. No kids look up to me. And if they do, they’re weird and dumb.’ It was then that I decided to start taking steroids, because I really wouldn’t be letting anyone down if I ever got caught.”
Peralta made the American League All-Star team in 2011 and 2013, and it was after that 2011 recognition that he says his status in baseball sunk in.
“Even with being able to be called an All-Star, what kid Tigers fan is going to say I’m his favorite player?” said Peralta. “On a team with Miguel Cabrera? And Justin Verlander? And now Prince Fielder? No one. And I don’t even have female fans due to the fact that I look like a manatee that somehow got beached on a baseball field.”
The Tigers say that when word of Peralta’s suspension came down they had planned to offer fans a full refund for any Peralta jerseys purchased at Comerica Park.
“But a quick review of our sales records found that no one had ever purchased a Peralta jersey,” said general manager Dave Dombrowski. “Well, there had been one bought earlier this year, but it turns out it was bought by Jhonny. He had gotten mustard all over his jersey during batting practice and was too embarrassed to tell the equipment manager what had happened again.”