Jadeveon Clowney’s Stock Plummets After He Fails to Decapitate Anyone

jadeveon-clowney2013South Carolina beat North Carolina 27-10 in college football’s marquee opener Thursday night, but the story coming out of the game was the disappointing performance by Gamecocks defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, thought by many to the Heisman frontrunner.

Clowney finished the game with just three tackles and three quarterback hurries. Worst of all, he exited the game with zero decapitations and zero tearing-someone-limb-from-limbs. He also failed to hit anyone so hard they exploded into a fine mist, as was expected by most in attendance.

“I’m not saying he’s a bust. At least not yet,” said one NFL scout in attendance. “But I expected to see some entrails on the field today. It’s disappointing that I didn’t, to say the least. No entrails, not even an ear or  a chunk of scalp. What did I fly all the way down here for?”

North Carolina head coach Larry Fedora said he was very pleased with how Clowney played.

“We got killed, but not literally killed,” he said. “And I’m ecstatic about that. And extremely surprised. Before we took the field, I addressed my team, looked them in the eye and said: ‘Young men, some of you probably aren’t going to make it off that field tonight alive.’ But they all did and now they’ll probably never have to play against him again.”

Clowney said he felt a little under the weather in the opener.

“I didn’t have my best game, but I’m just glad we got the win,” he said. “If how I played makes our next opponent, Georgia, feel more relaxed, so be it. I still intend to rip out their spinal columns and beat them with them.”

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