A suburban Philadelphia man has lost all of his friends and could be in danger of losing his job after choosing what his now ex-friends call “the most offensive fantasy football team name of all-time.”
“There is a lot of pressure to pick a funny team name every year,” said Jeff, a member of the offending man’s league who asked that his last name not be disclosed so he’s not associated in any way with his former friend. “And sometimes they get pretty close to the line of bad taste and even go well past it. And that’s fine. We’re all adults. But this … this was just … my god. I can’t even describe it.”
None of the men in the league would utter the team name their former friend selected, but describe it as something offensive to women, victims of violent crime, the disabled, people of color, animals, both political parties, Belgians, Episcopalians, humanity in general and, oddly, lychens — all in four words.
“I started to cry as soon as I heard it,” said one league member.
“I just yelled ‘Why? Why? Why? Why did you make me hear that? I am forever ruined,'” said another.
Another league member supposedly ran out of the room screaming and hasn’t been seen since.
“Hey, I’m all for off-color jokes. God knows I’ve told my own,” said the league commissioner. “But … I just … I have a daughter, you know? The implications made in his fantasy team name … the picture created in your mind about a lychen being used to … I … how could I ever let someone like that near my daughter? Or my wife? Or near anyone in my town,” he added, weeping. “It was so, so … horrible. You don’t understand.”
Another league member admitted he can no longer be friends with the man because he is jealous he didn’t think of the name.
“It was brilliant and I hate him for it,” he said. “I hope he gets kicked out of the league. Then my team name, Rapey McRapeytits will really stand out. Get it? It’s a zinger about rape. And tits. Heh. Yeah.”