Chip Kelly Gives Eagles the Day Off from Practice to Beat the Hell Out of Riley Cooper

Eagles_Kelly_McCoy_AP_982wPhiladelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly gave his team a morale boost today with an unscheduled day off from practice at training camp, encouraging them to enjoy themselves and “you know, maybe beat the hell out of Riley Cooper together as a team.”

“Heh. Heh-heh,” Cooper laughed uncomfortably, slowing walking backwards to the outskirts of the team huddle as Kelly spoke. “Way to, uhh … way to, you know, cut the tension, coach. With a joke,” Cooper gulped.

Kelly just smiled at his receiver and then looked back to the rest of the team.

“Get him,” he said.

The Eagles then turned en masse, quickly chased down a screaming Cooper and proceeded to pummel him. Some 10 minutes later, Cooper’s body bloody and bruised and stuffed into a cooler, the Eagles said to a man that the cancelled practice was just what the team needed.

“Coach Kelly really knows how to read a team,” said quarterback Michael Vick. “The best ones know when to push and they know when to back off. And the really great ones know when to let everyone kick the shit out of a racist teammate. I know I said I forgive Riley, but I don’t think I could really move past it until I broke his jaw. Which I’ve now done. And it’s all thanks to Coach Kelly being able to understand what this team needed.”

Cooper said he feels today’s team bonding activity will bring the team together.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but blow a bloody snot bubble out of your right nostril if you think this was good for the team,” a reporter said to Cooper’s pulpy body. A bloody snot bubble soon appeared, before popping when Cooper was kicked in the head one last time by Eagles running back LeSean McCoy.

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