New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman announced today that shortstop Derek Jeter will be called up from his rehab assignment tonight to continue his horribly depressing aging process before the entire nation.
“It’s time to accelerate this and maybe even mercifully get it over with,” said Cashman. “Derek is 39 years-old, coming off a broken ankle, and kind of gaunt and sad looking. None of those facts will change by hiding him in the minor leagues. It’s time we face reality. It’s time we all face the reality that youth is fleeting and that we’re all going to die.”
Once an icon of youth and vitality on Major League Baseball’s most iconic team, Jeter now looks more like any average middle-aged guy whose best days are behind him.
“Time is a son of a bitch,” said Yankees general manager Joe Girardi. “It’s even worse up close. Derek has ear hair now. Lots of it. And it’s gray.”
Cashman hopes Jeter’s call up to the majors can serve as a “national reckoning” on “death and decline.”
“I see Derek Jeter as America,” said Cashman. “If we don’t stop living off of our past glories without building towards the future, the bill will eventually come due. I don’t mean to be depressing, but America could become the 2013 Yankees: old, broken, broke and living in denial.”
Jeter said he is excited to be called up to the majors.
“I’m not going to get any better in Triple-A,” he said. “In fact, I’m not going to get any better at all. It’s only a depressing downward spiral from here on out for me. Oh, god. It’s terrible. I want to cry. Life has no meaning.”