Stuffed Quahog Eating Contest
What: Contestants must eat as many stuffed quahogs — AKA stuffed clams — as possible in 90 seconds.
Where: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Winnings: gift certificate, t-shirt, picture on the wall
Why, God? Why?: Clams look disgusting. They stink. And they have the consistency of chewing your own tongue. While a 90-second contest isn’t long, most people need more time than that to even get up the courage to try to eat what is essentially a sandy, rubber vagina.
World’s Pig Feet Eating Championships
What: Competitors try to eat the most pigs feet, in pounds, in 10 minutes.
Where: New Jersey State Fair (in 2007)
Winnings: $750 to 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: Pigs are seen as the filthiest animal. So why gorge on the part of the pig body that has been walking around and marinating in its own pig feces every day of its pig life? Plus, we’re talking New Jersey farm pig filth. That pig feces is probably radioactive.
World CheeseSteak Eating Championship
What: Contestants shove 6-inch cheese steaks into their mouths for 10 minutes.
Where: Dorney Park, Pennsylvania
Winnings: $1,500 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why: Cheese steaks were created for morbidly obese people who don’t give a crap about their appearance. But holding a 10-minute contest with a cash prize lessens the efforts of those who have dedicated their entire lives to eating cheese steaks each day in order to get to their current tonnage.
World Cupcake Eating Championship
What: 8 minutes, as many cupcakes (with frosting) as possible. The record is 42.
Where: Waterloo, New York
Winnings: $1,500 to 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: Why take a good thing, like cupcakes, and ruin it? Chances are your dad conceived of this competition after he made you smoke that whole pack of cigarettes he caught you with when you were 13.
La CosteÃ±a Jalapeno Eating Championship
What: Competitors have 8 minutes to eat as many whole jalepenos as possible. The current record is 275.
Where: San Antonio
Winnings: $3,000 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: None of these contests are healthy. But competing in this one seems more like a suicide attempt. Someone do something. These people are crying out for help. (They’re also literally crying because they just ate, like, 200 jalapenos.)
Acme Oyster Eating World Championship
What: Competitors eat as many oysters on the half shell as possible in 8 minutes. The event record is 444.
Where: New Orleans
Winnings: $1,750 total cash purse
Why, God? Why?: Oysters: for when clams don’t taste enough like a rubbery vagina for you.
World Famous Vidalia Onion-Eating Contest
What: Competitors down as many whole, raw onions as they can in 3 minutes.
Where: Vidalia, Georgia
Winnings: $100 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: This contest actually has age groups — 6 to 11, 12 to 16 and 17 and older. Although the first two age groups are probably just part of a police sting operation to nab unfit parents who would put their children in an onion-eating competition.
World Poutine Eating Championships
What: Poutine, a dish of French fries and cheese curd covered in gravy, is devoured over a 10-minute period.
Winnings: $750 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: Poutine is a dish that needs description. I’m pretty sure a basic rule of health is: “Don’t enter a competitive eating contest in which you eat massive amounts of something you can’t even identify.”
World Catfish Eating Championship
What: Competitors have 10 minutes to eat as much fried catfish in pounds as possible.
Where: Davenport, Iowa
Winnings: $1,000 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: The record is 7.5 pounds of catfish in 10 minutes by Pat “Deep Dish” Bertoletti. Had those been goldfish instead of catfish, he’d be admitted to any college fraternity in the country.
Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest
What: Competitors eat as many hot dogs as they can in 10 minutes.
Winnings: $10,000 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: We all know what goes into hot dogs. And, sure, if you just eat one, maybe you only get trace amounts of cow snout and anus. But if you put down 60-plus? That’s pounds of unidentifiable meat. You may as well just eat at Taco Bell.