Braun reported back to the Brewers today following the four-day All-Star break with noticeable bulk.
“I worked really hard during those days off,” he said. “While everyone else was resting, I was grinding. What you see now is just a result of those four days.”
Team equipment manager Jeff Reynolds had to fit the slugger for a new uniform and, in fact, had to get one specially made.
“His neck added 12 inches,” said Reynolds. “His biceps doubled in size. He even grew a new kind of shoulder muscle never before seen in a human, which he calls a deltcep. It’s huge. Ryan is just proof what four days of hard work in the weight room can do for a guy.”
Critics suggest Braun’s new 53 pounds of muscle could be from using performance-enhancing drugs, but Braun responded to those allegations by handing out a 2,319-page legal brief detailing what his team of attorneys claim are “reasonable explanations that assuredly would hold up in some court of law somewhere in the world.”
“Read every word in this and then I’ll listen to your criticisms of my hard work,” said Braun.
He also menacingly flexed his deltceps in the direction of reporters.