Rockets Lose Dwight Howard Sweepstakes, Sign Dwight Howard

7320bfb38e015927fb6ca8716e26bc89Dwight Howard announced late Friday night that he would sign a free agent contract with the Houston Rockets, making the Rockets the clear loser in the Howard sweepstakes.

“Oh, shit. Really? Oh, no. Dammit,” said Rockets general manager Daryl Morey. “I just assumed he would re-sign with the Lakers. We only put in an offer to make it look like we were being active in the market. You know, for our fans. This … this … god, this really backfired.”

Morey then jumped on the phone to see if there was any way to back out of the deal, only to get terrible news.

“He signed it. He signed it already. It’s over. We’re over,” said Morey, dropping his face in his hands. “We’ve got ourselves an overrated asshole. All we can hope for now is that his back gives out for good.”

With the Rockets doomed to acquiring the selfish underperformer with limited post moves and an inability to make free throws, Morey said he will likely offer to resign from his position.

“This is completely on me. I over-thought it,” he said. “My idea was that if we put in an offer for him well below what L.A. could pay, he’d take their offer … while at the same time we’d show other big-name free agents, future free agents, good free agents that a smart team would actually want to build around, that we’re players in the market. But now we’re screwed. I blew it.”

Rockets head coach Kevin McHale said he is looking forward to working with Howard.

“Coaching that turd every day will really make me feel good about my playing days,” he said. “I mean, he’s supposed to be the best big man in the game? Ha! We would have killed him in the old days.”

photo via @DwightHoward