Report: Shitty Teams Likely to be Sellers at Trade Deadline

Marlins stadium the305.comAccording to front office sources, the vast majority of Major League Baseball’s shitty teams will be looking to trade players before the trade deadline.

“Oh, yeah. We’ll be looking to deal,” said Theo Epstein, general manager of the craptastic Chicago Cubs. “We’ll trade all of our players, if we can. But, unfortunately, it’s unlikely any good teams will want any of our players.

Astros general manager Jeff Luhnow said he will be “actively looking to improve this team for the future” at the trade deadline.

“Not every team can contend every season and we know that,” said Luhnow. “We will be looking to add players who can help us win a title down the road or, if not win a title, at least not be the laughingstock of baseball for a season or two.”

Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said his phone has been ringing more and more as the trade deadline approaches.

“Teams like the Cubs, Astros, Marlins, Royals – they’re calling, same as every year,” said Cashman. “But contending teams are also calling to see who they can get from us. I don’t know why. It’s like they think we’re shitty. But we’re not shitty, okay? Everyone stop saying that we’re shitty. We’ll be buyers at the deadline. We’re looking to add older, experienced players with contracts that other teams may not want to pay because they are too high. Surely getting those kinds of players will make us play better so that other teams will stop thinking we’re a shitty team.”

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