According to sources in the front offices of Major League Baseball and the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez can avoid a suspension similar to the one levied against PEDs user Ryan Braun by simply admitting that he is a total dickhead.
“The deal is on the table and A-Rod and his advisors are considering it,” said an MLB source. “It’s this or he probably never plays another game in Major League Baseball. This is his one out. The ball is in that dickhead’s court.”
The offer to Rodriguez has reportedly been in the works for weeks.
“It took us a long time to decide exactly what word best describes Alex,” said the source. “Was it douchebag? Asshole? Taintstain? We probably went through two dozen different ones and then focus-grouped five finalists. Dickhead is what won out. Now he just has too look into the cameras at a press conference and tell the world what they already know.”
While accepting the deal and being able to continue his playing career seems like a no-brainer for Rodriguez, the slugger is reportedly leaning towards turning the offer down.
“Self-awareness is not exactly Alex’s strength,” said a Yankees front office source. “I just don’t see him admitting he’s a dickhead. His first counter offer was actually: ‘What if I just admit that I’m so awesome that sometimes I struggle to relate to normal, less talented people like the fans and the media and Derek Jeter?’ He really said that. I mean, what a dickhead, right?”