Johnny Manziel Wakes Up from 11-Month Bender: “Did anything happen?”

Manziel-money_originalTexas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel woke up early this afternoon from an 11-month, drunken bender that stretched from his entire first season under center through late last night.

The Heisman winner sat up in his bed around 1:00 p.m., yawned, walked across his room, stumbled over his trophy and went downstairs for breakfast.

“Well, you look tired,” said his mom.

“Yeah,” said Manziel, rubbing his head. “I overdid it a little bit, I guess. Did anything happen?”

“Well, yeah,” said his mom. “You beat Alabama, won the Heisman, won the Cotton Bowl and went to pretty much every sporting event and met every celebrity. I also think you wore a Tim Tebow jersey to a frat party at Texas or something?”

“Damn,” said Manziel. “I don’t remember any of that.”

“I didn’t think you would,” said his mom. “You were pretty drunk. For 11 months. Here. Have some coffee.”

Manziel then got out his phone and Googled himself while drinking his coffee at the family’s breakfast table.

“Holy crap, mom,” he said. “You didn’t mention even half of it. Wow. I have to stay away from tequila from now on. I hung out with Drake? In Toronto? I hate Drake. Drake sucks. How embarrassing. And what the hell? Look at all these tweets. I don’t remember sending out any of these. This … this is not good.”

Mrs. Manziel then kissed her son on the top of his head and rubbed his shoulders.

“All things considered, for an 11-month bender, things went pretty well,” she said. “But I’m glad you’re here now. I think it’s time to just relax for a little bit. You’ve got another season coming up and you should probably try to remember this one.”

Manziel sighed.

“I’d love to, mom,” said the quarterback. “But I don’t know if I can. Jay-Z just texted me. Apparently I know Jay-Z now. Anyway, he says we’re scheduled to meet up later today to go skydiving? I think I have to do that.”

Manziel then went back into his room, asked Kate Upton to leave, and got dressed.

(photo via Johnny Manziel’s Twitter)

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