Disgraced Ryan Braun Urine Handler: “I’m actually very happy in my new urine-free job”

urine wikiDino Laurenzi, Jr., worked for years as a urine collector for Major League Baseball. But after he mishandled a Ryan Braun urine sample in 2012, Laurenzi lost his his job and had his character put into question by the slugger. But now that Braun has been busted by MLB for using performance-enhancing drugs, many in the media are demanding that the disgraced Brewers star apologize to Laurenzi.

But the former urine handler wants none of it.

“Ryan Braun is the best thing that ever happened to me,” said Laurenzi. “For years, every morning I got up and watched guys urinate and then took their urine and carried it around with me. No more. I lost that job. And it’s all thanks to Ryan Braun. He was my savior.”

Laurenzi says he says a little prayer of thanks for Braun every time he opens his refrigerator and realizes it is no longer stocked with urine.

“It’s the little things like that that you come to appreciate,” said Laurenzi. “Is not having a bunch of urine in your refrigerator next to all of your condiments a little thing? I guess to some people it would be a big thing. Especially when it spills. I’ve had that happen. Don’t get me started. My fridge still smells a little like David Ortiz’s urine.”

While the baseball world turns against Braun, Laurenzi is in his corner.

“Has he made mistakes? Sure,” says Laurenzi. “But we all make mistakes. For example, my biggest mistake was choosing to work in the urine industry.”