by Ross Snow
League sources confirmed Monday afternoon that quarterback Tim Tebow has been signed by the New England Patriots, pending the quarterback's successful completion of a routine physical along with confirmation that this whole thing isn't a complete and utter fucking joke.
The physical, scheduled to occur some time within the next few days, should determine if Tebow is healthy enough for a return to playing in the NFL, barring this whole fucking thing being some GMs idea of a sick, sick ruse. It almost has to be, doesn't it? They have Tom Brady. What the hell?
"I'm excited for the opportunity to start over again with the New England Patriots," said Tebow during a late afternoon press conference, "but I'm a man of faith, and even I'm skeptical."
Tebow, recently released by the New York Jets, had reportedly failed to muster up interest from a single other NFL team this offseason. Other NFL teams including: The Oakland Raiders, Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. The fucking Jaguars.
Instead, he would be joining a New England Patriots team coming off its 10th playoff appearance in the past 12 seasons – a run that includes 5 Super Bowl appearances and 3 Super Bowl victories. A team with a future Hall of Fame quarterback.
"Even I'm struggling to find an upside here. For either party," Tebow reiterated. "I really can't imagine this as being something other than someone's terrible attempt at messing with me. I mean, who benefits here?"
Tebow went on to say he would still "gladly accept a contract" and that he'd "do all in his power not to let this decision go down as the shittiest, most asinine move ever made in the NFL since the Jets traded for him."