The Chicago Blackhawks won their second Stanley Cup in four years on Monday night and Chicagoland is ready to celebrate with a parade. City officials announced today that the parade is tentatively scheduled for Friday, or as early as star right wing Patrick Kane is sober enough to appear in public without humiliating himself or the organization.
"The city wants to say thank you to our team and celebrate another Cup," said mayor Rahm Emanuel. "Ideally the parade will be on Friday, but we want Patrick Kane to be a part of it. He was the Conn Smythe winner and the fans love him. However, we can't have him passed out or vomiting on everyone. So we'll schedule around his ability to walk and make words."
Kane said he will appear at the parade whenever it is held.
"Woooooooo! Show me your tits!" the Conn Smythe winner yelled, before punching a vending machine and vomiting on an elderly woman in a wheelchair. "We're doing eyeball shots! Wooooooooo!"
Despite Kane's enthusiasm to celebrate, head coach Joel Quenneville said it's probably best that the parade go on as scheduled this Friday without him.
"I honestly don't expect him to be sober until a month or two into next season," said Quenneville. "In fact, the reason we didn't repeat three years ago was because Patrick had a literal Stanley Cup hangover the whole season. But he has matured since then, so I'm optimistic that he'll be sober by January, as long as he doesn't hit the holidays too hard."
Kane's supposed drunkenness may not even be a problem, as he insisted he barely even has a buzz.
"Whaaaaa um nah shifayst. Yer shiffest," he said. "I nibber bi bettr," he added, barfing into the bowl of the Cup and then dry-humping a hockey equipment bag.