Angels’ Team Management Gasses Closed-Door, Players-Only Meeting

Angels Team Management Gasses ClosedDoor, PlayersOnly Meeting
The Los Angeles Angels held a closed-door, players-only meeting following the conclusion of their four-game sweep at home to the lowly Houston Astros on Monday night. Only one Angels player is still alive.

Team owner Arte Moreno learned that his $214 million dollar team would be meeting in the locker room following their latest humiliating defeat — a defeat that dropped L.A. to 25-33. Moreno rushed down from his owner's box to the outside of the locker room and instructed a staffer to retrieve some canisters from a nearby closet. He then opened the locker room door, asked for Mike Trout to come out, threw the canisters into the locker room, closed the doors and had team security hold them shut.

Loud coughing and cries for help were heard, and several players pushed on the doors to exit, but less than 15 seconds later: silence.

"I've been waiting weeks to do this," said Moreno. "I can't believe it took them this long to have a players-only meeting. Shows how hopeless they really are."

"I'm just glad to have been spared," said outfielder Mike Trout. "Not being killed by team management shows they really have faith in me. It means a lot."

Moreno says he hopes that the death of his entire team, save Trout, will allow him to avoid paying the remainder of their contracts.

"I figure I can field a low-budget team that can win just as much as those guys did," said Moreno. "And even if I still have to pay out their contracts to their widows and children or whatever, killing them all just felt right. It was deserved justice and I have no regrets."