Sergio Garcia has reportedly been calling around to his fellow PGA Tour pros today, asking if anyone knows any good slurs about people from Fiji, the tiny island republic in the South Pacific Ocean from which Vijay Singh hails.
"His skin is blacker than Tiger's so I was hoping I could go with a killer fried chicken dig, but it turns out he's not really black or something?" said Garcia. "I don't know. These minorities are so confusing. They don't like being lumped all together even though we white people see them all the same."
Garcia said he spent a few minutes reading about Fiji on Wikipedia, but found the site lacking in good slurs.
"There was all kind of history about Dutch explorers and who knows what else," he said. "Like I care. I specifically don't care about his people, that's why I want to say a slur to him. I just want one word or phrase I can use to really let Vijay have it if he ever pulls a club out of his bag while I'm thinking about hitting my shot. It shouldn't be this hard."
If all else fails, Garcia said he will just make some sort of food-related crack, similar to his "fried chicken" line about Tiger Woods.
"Fiji is an island, so maybe they have mangoes there? Mangoes grow on islands, right?" said Garcia. "'Hey, Vijay, why don't you shut up and go eat a mango and spend the rest of the day surfing?' Hell, I don't know. That sounds okay, right? I guess it's better than nothing."