Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III announced today that his engagement his off.
"We never planned to get married. I never planned to get married. I'm rich, famous and 23 years old. Why would I get married?" said Griffin. "We just did this to get free stuff from stupid fans by putting up an online registry. And it worked!"
"Fans are such morons!" said a cackling Griffin, while randomly turning on and off some 50 blenders he received from fans who ordered them off of his wedding registry. "And look at me now! No man has ever had so much loot from Bed Bath & Beyond. Life doesn't get better than this!"
In addition to the four or five dozen blenders — "I lost count," said Griffin, "but I'll definitely be getting my blend on" — Griffin got three Oneida Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware sets, giving him an impressive haul of 135 pieces of silverware.
"It's an embarrassment of silverware," said Griffin. "My teammates are going to be so jealous."
Griffin also got seven Calphalon Contemporary Non-Stick Panini Presses. "If you want a panini and you live in the DC metro area, you know where it's at," said the quarterback. "It's like a hot, pressed sandwich factory up in here."
Despite the overwhelming amount of boxes, Griffin said he has to split it with his fake fiancee/scam partner, and also expressed disappointment that he only received two Nesco American Harvest Snackmaster Encore Dehydrator and Jerky Makers.
"That's not near enough to keep up with the amount of jerky I intend to make," he said. "I need to set up another fake wedding registry. And this time we're doing it big. We're going Williams and Sonoma. They've got a jerky maker that will curl your toes."
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