Looking to avoid the insults against Carmelo Anthony's wife that have come to bog down the final minutes of most NBA games, commissioner David Stern ordered today that all jokes, slanders and cereal and food references about LaLa Anthony must be done before tip-off and submitted in writing.
"I get that opponents want to say horrible things about Carmelo's wife," said Stern. "They have made that abundantly clear. Insulting LaLa has become part of the fabric of this great game. I just request that it be taken care of before the game begins, so we don't have any incidents in the final minutes or postgame when players should be focusing more on basketball and not quite as much on good zingers about Mrs. Anthony."
The Boston Celtics expressed disappointment in Stern's mandate.
"I'll be honest: I know I have almost no shot of winning another ring with the Celtics," said Kevin Garnett. "The only reason I'm still playing is to say stuff to Carmelo about LaLa during games."
Yet minutes after Stern's announcement, the Celtics submitted 78 pages of cruel jokes about Carmelo's wife.
"We have a lot of material," said Celtics guard Jordan Crawford. "We would have sent more, but our printer ran out of ink."
Stern said he will allow teams to read their LaLa Anthony jokes and slanders over the arena public address system before games begin.
"This is better for everyone involved," he said. "The players can focus on basketball and the fans can get to hear everything that's said about her and laugh along or boo."