NHL commissioner Gary Bettman excitedly announced today that the historic Stanley Cup has been retired and that the league's playoff teams will now instead compete for free iPads.
"I wanted to do something that would really make the NHL seem fresh and innovative, and I think this is it," said Bettman, beaming. "The Stanley Cup served it's purpose for a long time, but these are new or refurbished 16-gig iPad 2s that the players will get to keep. We're probably even going to pay to engrave their names on the back."
Bettman's idea was immediately panned by the media members attending the press conference, with several becoming so enraged they yelled expletives at Bettman. One older reporter rushed the stage and tried to hit the commissioner with his notebook.
"I have to say, this was not the reaction I expected," a clearly disappointed Bettman said after order was restored. "The Stanley Cup was old. There was only one for all the players to share. They had to give it back. These are iPad 2s that they can keep! They even have 3G! We're not paying for the data, but the players can activate it if they want to. What is not to like here?"
The press conference ended moments later after Bettman had to be rushed to safety upon being hit with a thrown shoe.
"I don't understand you people or your sport!" the commissioner said, ducking behind a podium. "It's just a stupid old trophy!"
Minutes later, Bettman put out a press release saying playoff overtimes will be replaced with shootouts.
"Just another good idea I came up with, but you didn't get to hear that one because you attacked me," it read.