Arizona Diamondbacks: You would attend more games if all the seats at Chase Field were in a swimming pool.
Atlanta Braves: You don't understand how anyone can really believe that great pitching is the key to winning a championship.
Baltimore Orioles: You think one of the most beautiful things ever created by man is a warehouse.
Boston Red Sox: You are kind of hoping for back-to-back losing seasons so you can talk to your dad and grandfather about the misery of being a Boston Red Sox fan.
Chicago Cubs: You are disgusted with all of the losing and won't put up with it anymore. And then you have your fifth beer and feel pretty good about everything again.
Chicago White Sox: You can't understand why anyone would want to go to a shitty old stadium like Wrigley Field when they could go to a shitty newer stadium like U.S. Cellular Field.
Cincinnati Reds: Your main complaint about Great American Ball Park is the panoramic views of Kentucky.
Colorado Rockies: You wonder how the thin Denver air seems to only affect the Rockies' pitchers now.
Cleveland Indians: You feel the Chief Wahoo logo is merely honoring the cartoons that Native Americans used to watch on Saturday mornings on their Indian TVs or whatever.
Detroit Tigers: You're a little disappointed that getting fat and smoking cigarettes didn't make you better at sports.
Houston Astros: You feel, for the first time since you were 8 or 9, that you have a real shot to play for a major league team.
Kansas City Royals: You feel the Royals don't get the respect they deserve nationally for being a perennial loser like the Cubs and Pirates do.
Los Angeles Angels: You sincerely doubt a real angel would be good enough to start in the outfield ahead of Mike Trout.
Los Angeles Dodgers: You play Vin Scully's play-by-play in the background when you're having sex.
Miami Marlins: You're probably not reading this because, really, what are the chances one of them are?
Milwaukee Brewers: You're certain that Ryan Braun's tale of his mistaken positive PEDs test is the one such tale in the history of sports that is actually true.
Minnesota Twins: You've just recently started complaining about how it's impossible for small market teams to win in baseball.
New York Mets: You never thought the Mets being the best baseball team in New York could be this depressing.
New York Yankees: You're actually kind of excited about the 2013 season because now no one can accuse you of being a front-running bandwagon fan.
Oakland A's: You have yet to understand why statistical probabilities stop being probable in the month of October.
Philadelphia Phillies: While you've supported the Phillies for years now, you hope the current team realizes what you are capable of and gets their act together before you are forced to break their faces with D cell batteries.
Pittsburgh Pirates: From now on, you will only be convinced that the Pirates will finish a season above .500 if they start the season 82-0.
St. Louis Cardinals: You always get the top of your mullet trimmed up and looking nice for Opening Day.
San Diego Padres: You're excited that moving the fences in will allow the Padres to lose low-scoring games instead of high-scoring games.
San Francisco Giants: You think Hunter Pence makes meth look cool.
Seattle Mariners: While you think it would be nice for Felix Hernandez to finish his career in a Mariners uniform, you hope Seattle doesn't turn down the Yankees' trade offer of top prospects for him in 2020 when he's old and washed up.
Tampa Bay Rays: You wish the Rays would get rid of Tropicana Field and build a nice stadium that you could also never go to.
Texas Rangers: You once had a dream in which the Rangers and Cowboys won a championship and that's when you knew you were dreaming.
Toronto Blue Jays: You've never been so excited for a season thanks to all of the "BJs" and "Dickey" fan sign possibilities.
Washington Nationals: You were upset with how the Nationals handled Stephen Strasburg and also with how the Redskins handled Robert Griffin III, because being a sports fan means you are able to contradict yourself all the time without repercussions.