Chiefs at Jaguars
"Hey, what do you mean this is a bad game? We have Alex Smith and Andy Reid now!" – a poor Chiefs fan who sadly just doesn't know any better
Jaguars at Raiders
Based on their first two opponents, it's not impossible that the Jacksonville Jaguars could start the season 2-0. It's also quite possible the Jacksonville Jaguars will finish the season 2-14. At best.
Bills at Jets
It's the Kevin Kolb-David Garrard battle America wants. No, it's the Kevin Kolb-David Garrard battle America needs.
Jets at Titans
The New York Jets were once the New York Titans. It may be time to dump all teams with "Titans" ties, NFL. It's just not working out.
Bills at Browns
This is the Thursday night game on the NFL Network. Why does the NFL hate its own network?
Raiders at Chiefs
Week 6. This about the time Chiefs fans will begin saying: "What the?! It's like Andy Reid has absolutely no idea how to manage the clock! Is he some kind of moron?"
Chargers at Jaguars
Not having Norv Turner involved takes a bit of the fumes off this turd, but it no doubt will still feature the mistakes, turnovers and general incompetence that diehard footbLOL fans love.
Browns at Chiefs
Guess who is older than eight-year NFL veteran Alex Smith? Cleveland's second-year quarterback Brandon Weeden! Go Browns!
Chiefs at Bills
Hey, so only four of the first nine worst NFL games feature the Chiefs. That's not necessarily a negative, Chiefs. Maybe you're just going to be so awesome that you'll win every game by 40 points and your games won't be interesting to watch. That could happen.
Dolphins at Buccaneers
This game is getting the bright lights of Monday Night Football. That exposure could go a long ways towards informing the citizens of Miami and Tampa of the fact that their cities have NFL teams. Great marketing opportunity here.
Cardinals at Jaguars
Jets-Bills is also this week, but at least that game is a divisional "rivalry." Cardinals-Jaguars doesn't even have that going for it, at least not until the NFL starts following the European model and relegates crap teams to a lower division.
Titans at Raiders
This is around the time the Raiders might start considering a reunion with JaMarcus Russell.
Jaguars at Browns
Whichever CBS broadcast team gets assigned to this one should start looking for new jobs. CBS obviously doesn't think much of them.
Raiders at Jets
Who knows who will be playing quarterback for the Jets at this point. It could be Garrard. Sanchez. McElroy. A naked Mrs. Ryan wearing nothing but a Sanchez jersey. Tebow. (The preceding was listed from most probable to least probable.)
Bills at Jaguars
Okay. Officially out of ways to say the Bills and Jaguars are bad at football. To recap: they suck at football. They suck real bad.
Browns at Jets
This is the championship week in fantasy football. If you had any Browns or Jets players on your team, your fantasy football season will have ended long ago.
Chiefs at Chargers
Lots on the line in Week 17. This one could help determine who finishes behind the Raiders for dead-last in the AFC West.