The Houston Astros are off to a tough start to the 2013 season and have very little hope of improving. That's why the team resolved today to just take its lumps and simply get through this final stretch of the season with an eye on improving in 2014.
"This team has been through a lot already. We've been getting humiliated as professional baseball players, as men, day after day after day," said manager Bo Porter. "It's tough physically and mentally. But as I told the team today, we're more than 4-percent of the way through this thing. We've got a little less than six months now. Only 155 games and we're done. So just be strong and finish."
Porter says his motivational speech was met with mixed reactions.
"A few guys just silently wept," he said. "Some just stared ahead, not moving. A few others asked if they could quit. One guy, I think he is a pitcher, slit his throat and bled out on the floor in front of his locker. Not exactly the high energy reaction I had hope for from the guys, but I'm new at this managing thing."
Astros general manager Jeff Luhnow then stepped in and tried another approach to cheering up the team.
"Do it this way, fellas," he said. "Don't get overwhelmed by there being 155 losses, or games, left. Break this season up into shorter segments. We just have to get through this month of losing and embarrassment, and then there are only five months left of losing and embarrassment, then four, and so on."
Several self-inflicted gunshots echoed through the clubhouse as players took their own lives.
"And you younger players, you've got a future to look forward to," said Porter. "I see what kind of talent we have in this system, and there's no reason we should lose more than 120 games next year."
Porter then cut himself open and used his own blood to write his resignation letter on the clubhouse wall.