The NCAA announced today that all college basketball athletes throughout Division I will be stripped of their scholarships effective immediately "for playing like absolute garbage."
"I didn't want to have to do this, but can anyone seriously make a case that any of these players deserve a free college education to play basketball?" said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "I dare you. Watch a college basketball game and find me a player that is good enough at basketball to be given a $100,000 education. You won't be able to."
The 2012-2013 season has continued and strengthened a recent trend in college basketball of low-scoring games filled with turnovers, fouls and missed shots, turning what was once an exciting sport into 40-minute advertisement for the NBA.
"Maybe pulling their free educations will cause the players to dedicate themselves to improving at basketball," said Emmert. "Because that's the only way they're getting their scholarships back. First guy to hit an open 18-foot jumper gets his scholarship back. I'm not overly optimistic."
The NCAA's decision was met with disappointment from college coaches, yet they said they completely understood the move.
"Hell, I don't like watching this anymore. But I'm under contract, so what can I do?" said Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim. "I'm surprised it took the NCAA this long."
"We're No. 1," said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few. "I mean, come on. Obviously college basketball isn't very good right now."
Emmert also announced that Division II and women's basketball scholarships will be taken away, as well, saying: "It was an oversight that they ever had scholarships. Our mistake."