Kobe Bryant Cuts Off “Traitorous” Left Ankle, Expected to Play Tomorrow

Kobe Bryant Cuts Off Traitorous Left Ankle, Expected to Play Tomorrow – Image 1
Lakers star Kobe Bryant was expected to be out indefinitely with a severely sprained left ankle, but the team announced today that he will play tomorrow after cutting the offending body part from his body.

"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."

With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.

"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."

"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."

With his speech over and his bloody ankle in the trash, Bryant proceeded to take the court for practice and dunk over and over on Dwight Howard while jumping off of his hacked-up left leg, scowling at his teammates after each thunderous throw-down.

"He's such an amazing competitor," said Howard. "I just wish I could take the court with him tomorrow. Unfortunately, I feel a little gassy from dinner last night and might have to sit out for a few days."