The Duke Blue Devils, led by head coach Mike Krzyzewski, have found the baby they will use for their customary child sacrifice committed each year on the eve of their first NCAA Tournament game.
"Nothing motivates us like a good baby roasting," said senior forward Mason Plumlee. "It's part of what makes Duke unique and something that drew us all here."
The Blue Devils are in Philadelphia for the opening rounds of the Tournament and selected their baby after returning to their hotel last night from a team dinner.
"A homeless woman in an alley beside our hotel had a baby that was the perfect size," said Krzyzewski. "It reminded me of the baby we sacrificed before our 2010 championship. Plus, the baby was homeless, so it obviously was not committed to excellence. No one will miss it."
Once the baby is sacrificed tonight after the team's walk-through, the child will be placed on a spit and roasted. After the team's film session, each player and staff member will partake of the baby's flesh.
Krzyzewski dismisses those who criticize Duke's child sacrifice tradition.
"It's always the same thing with our critics," said Coach K, smirking. "They want to talk all about us killing one baby, but you never hear a peep out of them about our team GPA or graduation rates. We create true student-athlets here. We arm these young men for life. We prepare them to be leaders. What they do or do not sacrifice once a year is so trivial to the bigger picture."