With Opening Day rapidly approaching, the Chicago Cubs are putting the finishing touches on historic Wrigley Field so it is prepared for its 99th season of baseball.
"There are certain things fans expect when they come to Wrigley Field," said general manager Theo Epstein. "And the stench of urine and fecal matter is high on that list. Our stadium crew is working overtime to make sure Wrigley Field is sufficiently disgusting by April 8th."
Keeping Wrigley Field in a dilapidated state takes more effort than most fans might expect. The stadium needs to pass local, state and federal codes. It sits empty for six months out of the year — plenty of time for plumbing and pest issues to be resolved — and the Cubs are also flush with cash.
"It's really hard to block up a few hundred toilets that haven't been used in six months," said stadium manager Jeff Marciniak. "It takes weeks of over-filling them with bowel movements and dropping full rolls of toilet paper and beer bottles in them. And then we have to make sure everything is in place to sustain a large and healthy rat population. The way I look at it is this: You know how there are rock stars with messed up hair that looks like they just rolled out of bed? It takes hours to get hair like that. Wrigley Field is that rock star hair. A ton of hard work goes into the stadium being this shitty."
Epstein says it would be much easier to have a clean and functioning stadium, or build an entirely new venue, "but the fans wants this and we want to give them the horrible experience they demand."
With Wrigley Field almost ready, the general manager says the team is coming into shape on the field, too.
"This franchise has expectations each and every year," said Epstein. "And that is to lose. A lot. Every move I have made has been with that goal in mind and nothing I've seen makes me think our fans will get anything other than complete and total failure. It's going to be another great year of Cubs baseball."