Exclusive transcripts of free agency discussions in front offices around the NFL.
New England Patriots
[[[chat]]]Bill Belichick: I just got off the phone with Tom. He's really upset about Wes leaving.
Bill Belichick: Yeah, I've got to keep him happy. Ever since I forgot how to coach defense, he's all that's standing in between me and the unemployment line. Get me a list of all the available white receivers.
Intern: Yes, sir.
[five minutes later]
Intern: Here you go, Mr. Belichick.
Bill Belichick: Whoa. There's one named "Danny?"
Bill Belichick: And his last name is "Amendola?"
Intern: Yes. So our fans will say "Amendoler."
Bill Belichick: And he's definitely white?
Intern: Yes, sir.
Bill Belichick: Sign him immediately. Our fans will love him. How was he not on our team already?
Intern: I don't know. Obvious oversight.
Bill Belichick: I blame you. You're cut.
Intern: I'm an unpaid intern.
Bill Belichick: I'll re-sign you for half that.
Intern: Umm okay.
Bill Belichick: Welcome back. Now go get me our new white hero.
John Harbaugh: What's today's damage?
Ozzie Newsome: Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
John Harbaugh: Let's end on a high note. Give me the bad news first.
Ozzie Newsome: We need a starting center, a starting receiver, three starting linebackers, and at least one starting safety, but Ed Reed is probably leaving, so probably two starting safeties.
John Harbaugh: My god. And the good news?
Ozzie Newsome: Hmm.
John Harbaugh: Nothing?
Ozzie Newsome: Well, you know how you were upset that your brother lost the Super Bowl?
John Harbaugh: Yes.
Ozzie Newsome: He got a really good receiver for nothing more than a 6th round draft pick, so he'll have another shot at the Super Bowl next year.
John Harbaugh: Oh, wow! Good for him! Who'd they get?
Ozzie Newsome: It, uh it doesn't matter. Just be happy for your brother.
New York Jets
John Idzik: What do you want, Rex?
Rex Ryan: I don't mean to interrupt you, Mr. GM, sir, I just wanted to see how things are going.
John Idzik: You don't need to call me "Mr. GM, sir." My name is John.
Rex Ryan: I'm just trying to be respectful as possible in hopes you don't fire me this year.
John Idzik: Thanks, but I'm still probably going to fire you.
Rex Ryan: Okay. Understood. So how are we doing?
John Idzik: We signed David Garrard.
Rex Ryan: He's a quarterback, I guess. Yeah. I saw the Cardinals got Drew Stanton.
John Idzik: Yeah, we keep getting in bidding wars with them. Every time I call the agents for Ryan Fitzpatrick or Brady Quinn or Matt Cassel or Matt Leinart or JaMarcus Russell they say they're also talking to the Cardinals. They're driving the price up. It's a sellers' market this year for shitty quarterbacks.
Rex Ryan: What if we got a good quarterback?
John Idzik: That would be ideal, but there really aren't any available.
Rex Ryan: Oh.
John Idzik: Plus, we'll lose a lot with a shitty quarterback, making it easier to fire you at the end of the season.
Rex Ryan: Oh.
John Idzik: Well, have a nice day.
Rex Ryan: You, too, Mr. General Manager, sir.
San Diego Chargers
Mike McCoy: Hey, Tom. How are things going?
Tom Telesco: Well, I'm not A.J. Smith and you're not Norv Turner.
Mike McCoy: So we could be doing worse, huh?
Tom Telesco: You got it.
San Francisco 49ers
Secretary: Mr. Harbaugh, it's your brother John on the phone. He's crying again.
Jim Harbaugh: Tell him I said "Suck it" and then hang up.
Secretary: Yes, Mr. Harbaugh.