The United States appears to be on the brink of Civil War as Americans have split into fierce factions over putters. On one side are those who support long putters. On the other: those who believe putters should not be able to be placed against the body. What follows only God knows, but it looks more and more like it will be blood, destruction, fire and death.
President Barack Obama, who golfed last week with noted short putter advocate Tiger Woods, addressed the nation today one last time before heading to the safety of an underground bunker.
"Be we pro-anchored putter or anti-anchored putter, may God have mercy on our souls and lead us through this dark time," said the president. "May we find a way through this and become a new and whole nation again. Goodbye for now, good luck and God bless."
Hopes that the U.S. military could keep the peace until a resolution supported by all of golf's governing bodies can be reached has proven fruitless. Officers and soldiers on both sides of the anchored putter debate have left the ranks and refused to follow orders from superior officers with dissenting putter views. A violent brawl broke out at a Joint Chiefs meeting last night over anchored putters, official splitting the military in two.
Now all that is left for American citizens is to fend for themselves.
One citizen, who fashioned a sort of pro-anchored putter Gadsden Flag, with a long putter in place of a snake over the words "Don't tread on me," says he won't back down.
"First they came for those with 15 clubs in their golf bag and I didn't speak out because I didn't carry 15 clubs in my golf bag," he said. "Then they came for those with laser yardage sighting devices and I didn't speak out because I couldn't afford one. Now they're here for my long putter, and my golf buddies aren't here to speak out for me."
In a hopeful sign that some common ground can possibly be forged, both sides have promised not to bomb golf courses during the coming war so there are still nice places to play when the battle ends.