*Arizona Diamondbacks:* We've got one of baseball's biggest stars: Paul Goldschmidt!
Atlanta Braves: Lots of Uptons.
Baltimore Orioles: Hoping for back-to-back fluke seasons.
Boston Red Sox: At least we're not the Yankees.
Chicago Cubs: Old Style beer, new style losing.
Chicago White Sox: We have Florida Gulf Coast alum Chris Sale!
Cincinnati Reds: So good we only need to use our best pitcher 60 innings a season.
Colorado Rockies: Todd Helton knew Peyton Manning in college, so that's cool, right?
Cleveland Indians: Something to watch if "Major League" isn't airing on basic cable.
Detroit Tigers: Making you feel like you have a pro athlete's body!
Houston Astros: Not gonna lie. We're gonna suck. Hard.
Kansas City Royals: Proudly featuring 2013 Team USA World Baseball Classic first baseman Eric Hosmer!
Los Angeles Angels: Let's hope money buys championships. Oh, shit. The Lakers.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Let's hope money buys championships. Oh, shit. The Lakers.
Miami Marlins: Yeah, don't get attached to Giancarlo Stanton.
Milwaukee Brewers: Ryan Braun is clean! LOL.
Minnesota Twins: Don't miss Joe Mauer's home run!
New York Mets: Ah, jeez.
New York Yankees: We still have 27 World Series titles, so shut up.
Oakland A's: Tons of fun until the playoffs.
Philadelphia Phillies: No longer Philadelphia's biggest sports disappointment! (Thanks, Flyers!)
Pittsburgh Pirates: A championship is our goal, not finishing .500. (But finishing .500 would still be awesome.)
St. Louis Cardinals: Still the only thing that makes summer in St. Louis bearable.
San Diego Padres: We moved the fences in, not that it will help.
San Francisco Giants: We'd be called a dynasty if we played in New York or Boston!
Seattle Mariners: Hahahahahaha. Ichiro thought he would win a World Series on the Yankees.
Tampa Bay Rays: Great baseball without all that annoying fan noise.
Texas Rangers: We admit, Josh Hamilton was kind of a douche.
Toronto Blue Jays: Witness our best chance to finish higher than 3rd in years!
Washington Nationals: Only six years left with Bryce Harper before he signs with the Yankees! Enjoy him while you can!