Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks are your favorite local pro team because they never break your heart in the playoffs because you’re never foolish enough to expect anything from them.
Boston Celtics: You think Ray Allen is a huge traitor and that Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry have played their entire careers with the Celtics.
Brooklyn Nets: You don’t feel disloyal for suddenly dumping the Knicks to be a Nets fan because you feel you gave the Knicks about 15 to 20 years more than they deserved.
Charlotte Bobcats: You can’t imagine anyone worse than Michael Jordan.
Chicago Bulls: You can’t imagine anyone better than Michael Jordan.
Cleveland Cavaliers: You still really hate LeBron James … although, ohmigod, how awesome would it be if he signs back with the Cavs in 2014 and teams up with Kyrie Irving that would be so awesome right so awesome. But, yeah, he sucks.
Detroit Pistons: You wish you had been at the “Malice in the Palace” game in 2004 … and that Ron Artest would have killed you … so you wouldn’t be alive to witness Detroit Pistons basketball today.
Indiana Pacers: You like basketball, but Butler and Indiana Hoosiers tickets are too expensive.
Miami Heat: You think your Miami Heat bumper sticker looks great beside your Patriots, Yankees and Alabama football bumper stickers and fits perfectly over top of your old Lakers bumper sticker.
Milwaukee Bucks: You are one of the few humans who know that there are distinct differences between an Ekpe Udoh and a Beno Udrih.
New York Knicks: You’re still saving up for a Brooklyn Nets jersey.
Orlando Magic: You consider yourself a hipster of Dwight Howard hating.
Philadelphia 76ers: While you want the Sixers to do well, you worry that a long playoff run might limit the Flyers’ practice time on their home ice.
Toronto Raptors: You think Rudy Gay has enough talent to lead the Raptors back to the heights of the Vince Carter and Chris Bosh Eras and oh, god, now you’re just depressed again.
Washington Wizards: You dream of the Wizards one day having a player good enough that people would get upset about his knee injury or about him getting shut down late in the season.