Joe Flacco's "World's Best" Pizza
1. Get an average pizza delivered.
3. Tell everyone it's the best pizza.
4. Hope they believe it.
5. Ask everyone to pay more than the pizza is worth.
Ray Rice's Delicious Production Pizza
1. Take Joe Flacco's plain pizza out of the trash.
2. Add delicious toppings to it.
4. Listen to people talk about how Joe Flacco is an ELITE chef.
Chris Culliver's Quiche
1. Don't make a quiche because that's totally gay.
2. Apologize if anyone says you shouldn't say "totally gay."
3. Still don't make a quiche because it's totally gay.
4. Eat a hot dog. That's manly and doesn't look gay at all.
Ray Lewis' Venison Steaks
1. Get some venison steaks.
2. Refuse to tell anyone why you had venison steaks so readily available and say they are a messenger of Satan if they keep asking.
3. Tenderize the meat by dancing on it.
4. Marinate the meat in a bowl of fake tears.
5. Cook the meat under the intense heat of TV lights.
6. Serve (the food. But also in the "you got served" dancing meaning of the word.)
7. Deliver a motivational speech about eating while your guests roll their eyes.
8. Force everyone to listen to your prayer before they eat.
9. Overstay your welcome at your guests' table.
Randy Moss' Greatest Ever Chili
1. Combine corn, black beans, tomatoes, chili powder, garlic … wait. You know what? This seems like a lot of work. Never mind. Don't do anything. Just heat up a can of microwave chili and serve that. Everyone knows you could have made a great batch of chili if you felt like it. But you only make chili when you want to make chili. And today isn't that day.
Terrell Suggs' Diet Delight
1. Get a plate and fill it with cake and ice cream.
2. Look at Terrell Suggs' face.
3. Realize you've suddenly lost your appetite.
Alex Smith's Smiley-Faced Super Bowl Sugar Cookies
1. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
2. In a large mixing bowl, with an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.
3. Add the egg and mix until combined.
4. Gradually add the sifted dry ingredients, one spoonful at a time, until thoroughly combined.
5. Add the vanilla.
6. Chill the cookie dough in the refrigerator for at least 1 hour.
7. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
8. Roll out half of the dough at a time, keeping the remainder of the dough in the refrigerator.
9. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough to a 1/4-inch thickness and cut into desired shapes with a cookie cutter.
10. Place the cutout cookies 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet and put the cookie sheet in the refrigerator for a few minutes before baking.
11. Bake until just before the edges of the cookies start to brown, 8 to 10 minutes
12. Cool the cookies for 1 to 2 minutes on the cookie sheet before removing to wire racks to cool completely.
For the icing…
13. In a medium bowl, combine the confectioners' sugar, meringue powder and warm water with a wire whisk.
14. Stir until the icing is smooth.
15. Add red and gold (49ers colors!) food coloring to the icing!
16. Use the icing to make cheerful smiley faces on the cookies to show your 49ers enthusiasm!
17. Set two cookies aside, one for Jim Harbaugh and one for Colin Kaepernick.
18. Sprinkle arsenic on those two cookies.
20. Wait for sweet justice.