NFL commissioner Roger Goodell boasted to reporters today that not a single NFL player has sustained brain trauma in nearly a week and a half.
"To those who say that the NFL doesn't care about this issue, you couldn't be farther from the truth," the commissioner said. "I follow this very closely and I am pleased that my initiatives to make the game safer are making a noticeable difference."
Goodell's statement was met with stunned silence by reporters, until one finally piped up: "Umm … you know, I don't want to be that guy, but wouldn't you say the sole reason there hasn't been any concussions lately is because there haven't been any games since the Super Bowl."
The commissioner waved off that assertion.
"I demanded that the NFL become safer, as did the public," said Goodell. "Now we have undeniable proof of progress and you want to nitpick and dissect facts and spin them to fit your narrative. But I operate in a fact-based reality. And that reality says that NFL players have been safer than ever over the past week or so."
It wasn't all good news to report for the commissioner, however.
"Ticket revenues have fallen off significantly in recent weeks," he said. "To remain viable, we will have to look into that and see if it is in any way related to our player safety initiatives."
The commissioner was then asked if he had ever been tested for CTE, or if he had sustained many significant falls on his head as a child or had ever been repeatedly punched in the head by schoolyard bullies.
"Oh, sure. Bullies were an issue for me as a youngster," said Goodell. "I was always trying to be a commissioner of everything. And then the red hair instigated them further. Why do you ask?"